Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
