Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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