I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think my moral compass just broke
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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