If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
