can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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