my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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