If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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