you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
