soooo we both peed the bed last night...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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