It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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