There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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