I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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