In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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