if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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