I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
