Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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