def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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