Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
