i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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