Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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