I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
