On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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