My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
