Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
