just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think i have two assholes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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