The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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