'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
