I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
