im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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