Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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