I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
