I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
