Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
