Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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