at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
