My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
