I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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