her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
