anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
