You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
