last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
