My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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