Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
