I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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