i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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