Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
