Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
