he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
