every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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