xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
