Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
